Death Letter: Noel Writes

Dear Noel,

Six months going into seven with this blog, not half bad! Well, maybe a little bad.

Terrible, in fact. Come on, you barely manage to survive for that duration and you think you’re special? And don’t give me excuses when you full-well know you spend hours a day watching Youtube and playing Smash Bros Ultimate.

“I don’t have time.”

And then you proceed to stare at actually successful people on Twitter. What, can’t be like them? Perhaps if you actually write your stories you’d actually get some work done.

Remember when you posted daily? Me neither! And don’t you dare blame it on muse, loser. You are just too pathetically lazy, you’d rather play Tetris 99 to get that Victory Royale. You pumped in nearly 100 hours to get a grand total of 0 victories, incredible job!

You think you’re so original, a writer with an anime profile? How special, you’re not some animator therefore you’re unique because you like anime. I remember thinking that when I was about 12 years old. Guess what, you’re not special because you came up with a trashy idea.

Let’s cut deep into your depressing life, considering you spend your summer writing on a blog instead of hanging with all 2 friends you have, they blow up your texts and you do reply! Once. Then you proceed to ghost them because you want to binge a tutorial on how to make Boba Tea you don’t have the money to buy.

So stupid, you’re allergic to soy and you still drink that tea like it’s the fountain of youth! You’d wish for such a miracle, but just accept the fact you’re growing up physically, Mentally, you’re so unsure of your future. It’s okay though, maybe the government will toss you more money to blow on a crippled blog!

Perhaps we can talk about how you were nearly a sphere as a kid and you lost that weight playing Just Dance. Let’s gloss over the fact that you’re a writer with no rhythm, because I’m amazed you managed to get into high school with grades designed to flunk normal kids.

Yeah yeah, you may have been in a magnet school. Congrats! You may as well have been homeless in Paris if you’re going to brag about things like that. Not once did a girl even look your way, perhaps that giant potbelly could have pulled them to orbit if you didn’t bring Beyblades to school.

And don’t think you fixed up your act either, your one and only artistic talent is a bleeding mess. You adopted a writing style that is comparable to a teenager starting with fanfics on Wattpad. Ohhh, that was how YOU started, right? You must have been a huge fan of Chain Chronicle to publish a chapter of an inevitably dead series that you still haven’t brought up to this day.

It’s okay though, you have this blog! The one you tend to put many grammatical errors in? I guess reading isn’t your strong suit. Don’t worry, it’s not important or anything, you’re a writer!

Thinking about it, the last novel you read was three years ago when you were forced to by the school for 10% of your grade. Guess what, you flunked that class anyways!

No WONDER you’re garbage with writing now, you may as well quit while you’re ahead and get a real job while you still can.

Now write for the people you want to entertain you absolute loser. You blithering degenerate. A mere oxygen thief. Just the look of you is an eyesore. Just the thought of you is a headache.

Back to work slave. And don’t disappoint us again, that’s become relatable now.

-Noel Writes


Noel Winter View All →

Care to read a few tales? I just happen to have a few!

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